Saturday, February 20, 2010

Rehearsing my life

I was just reflecting on just how much time I spend rehearsing my life, rather than, in a sense, just living it directly.

By this I mean .... how much time do I spend thinking about what I should do in the future? How much time is caught up in going through various scenarios of what should happen, what could happen, what might happen .... in myriad detail?

Compulsively these thoughts churn, end on end ... tumbling in my mind.

Me trying to get ahead of the game. Me trying to get on top, me trying to beat someone else in some way.

Trying to visualise better outcomes. Trying to get it 'right'.

And all of it imagined experiences, imagines scenarios of what might be.

So why am I doing this, out of control, compulsively spawning these versions of what could transpire?

Why am I not simply experiencing what is, right here?

Is the discomfort of sensations I don't fully want to experience the driving force? Is it that I can't fully allow these things to entirely permeate my awareness and allow myself to fully dwell in these things, however uncomfortable, however dull, is it this which compels me to spawn imaginary futures in which I rehearse life?

Of course being in the present and just experiencing life could mean just = fully experiencing these thoughts as *they* are what is right now as much as any bodily sensation, any feeling, any visual or auditory sensation, would be. Mahamudra has no enemies, especially not though.

Yet I tend not to experience it this way, at times. Thoughts are so seductive that I lose the open aspect of experience, the sense of thoughts in awareness, alongside all other sensations of being at that moment ... and just get sucking into the content of the thought, losing all else to awareness.

And so it goes on, rehearsing, rehearsing, instead of opening to life as it is .....

Sometimes it's like this ......